I interviewed 2 good friends of mine, Frank, and Charles. (one straight, one gay) debate the wearability of some of the biggest menswear runway trends of the last year. And its hilarious!
1. Floral prints
Frank: I guess this is handy if you ever need to strap yourself to the side of a ship being pelted by tidal waves and want to look good doing it. I don't care if you think this looks good. There's nothing practical about putting on my belt above my waist and restricting my breathing. Maybe this dude wouldn't be so concerned with keeping his blazer closed if he put a shirt on. If I wore this out, everyone would just assume I was super drunk when I got dressed in the morning. I probably was; I just don't need anyone knowing that.
Charles:
I think you're being a bit dramatic, Frank. It's a belt, not a corset.
It's not like it's really going to restrict your breathing. That said, I
hate belted jackets for men. All that waist emphasis feels
conspicuously feminine to me. I don't even belt my trench—I just tie the
ends behind my back and wear it unbuttoned.
Frank: I
only tie up my trench coat when I'm delivering top-secret envelopes to
double-agents, which is never. I agree, though. Cinching a blazer in
like this makes it look like a pantsuit.
2. Belted blazers
Frank: I
guess this is handy if you ever need to strap yourself to the side of a
ship being pelted by tidal waves and want to look good doing it. I don't
care if you think this looks good. There's nothing practical about
putting on my belt above my waist and restricting my breathing.
Maybe this dude wouldn't be so concerned with keeping his blazer closed
if he put a shirt on. If I wore this out, everyone would just assume I
was super drunk when I got dressed in the morning. I probably was; I just don't need anyone knowing that.
Charles:
I think you're being a bit dramatic, Frank. It's a belt, not a corset.
It's not like it's really going to restrict your breathing. That said, I
hate belted jackets for men. All that waist emphasis feels
conspicuously feminine to me. I don't even belt my trench—I just tie the
ends behind my back and wear it unbuttoned.
Frank: I
only tie up my trench coat when I'm delivering top-secret envelopes to
double-agents, which is never. I agree, though. Cinching a blazer in
like this makes it look like a pantsuit.
3. High-waisted pleated pants
Frank: I
know literally one thing about fashion, and that thing is "Fck pleats."
I actually don't really have a problem with these except that they look
like they're made out of thick burlap or something that would equally
make my whole lower body a rain forest of flesh and hair.
Charles:
I despise pleated pants, but it concerns me that you "actually don't
really have a problem with these." These look like the kind of pants Dan
Draper will wear when his kids put him in a home.
Frank: I
just think these pants say: "I like to work the earth and build things
with my hands and then go out for whiskey sours immediately after."
They're like business casual for ranch hands, and I can dig that.
Charles: I think they say: "It's time for a diaper change."
4. Mandals
Frank: I
would probably wear these, honestly. But it won't be until I'm 70 and
my kids put me in a home and the arthritis is acting up so bad that I
can't tie shoelaces anymore. The only person I still talk to is the
nurse who comes to change the sheets every other week and my cribbage
buddies, and every morning I wake up and stare at these sandals for a
few minutes, thinking, The moment I put these sandals on is the moment my day begins and I shuffle about without purpose. But you know, technically, I would wear them.
Charles: Grim, Frank. Grim.
5. Tunics
Frank: This
is a dress with T-shirt sleeves and naked men diving on it. I don't
understand who would wear this regardless of who you are or where you
are going.
Charles:
Did you know they actually make dresses and skirts for men, Frank? I'm
not talking about drag either. This is nothing. Also, I feel like there
are guys out there who can pull this off, even straight guys. Maybe not
this particular print, but it's pretty much just a giant T-shirt. Are
you telling me you've never seen straight men in New York walking around
in even bigger shirts than this (albeit with giant shorts to match)?
Frank: You bring up a lot of valid points, but I have a single counterpoint: Look how sad this guy looks right now. He hates this.
6. Jumpsuits
Frank: All I can think about right now is a version of Top Gun
that's directed by Andy Warhol. I'd like to think that movie exists in
some alternate universe and it is the best thing that could ever happen
to anyone's eyeballs. I still wouldn't wear this though. Not unless I
wanted neighborhood watch rolling upon me every five minutes because
they got a phone call.
Charles: There
is a definite working man fetish thing going on with jumpsuits
(although I think that's more of a gay fantasy than a straight one). I
actually own two jumpsuits of my own. One is an orange jumpsuit that I
wear when I'm painting and building stuff in my apartment and the other
is a red terrycloth jumpsuit with my initials embroidered on the chest
and a white racing stripe down the side. I only wear that one when I'm
sick and it is winter and I have to go to the doctor. And, yes, I do
look insane in it. There's no way around that.
7. Evening Robes
Frank: Are you serious? I want seven of these, one for every night of the week. I wouldn't even need a bed. I could just lie down wherever I was as soon as I felt tired and curl up inside this giant robe and fall asleep like a little kitten. This is like a classy Snuggie. It is the best thing I've ever seen.
Charles: What???!!! I can't believe you are on board with this. It's a silk robe. Like a men's kimono. Where are you wearing this out? What, you think you're like a fancy version "The Dude" and this is The Big Lebowski? Maybe if you were French. And rich. And, like, super stylish. Maybe.
Frank: Oh, wait. You're supposed to wear this outside? Yeah, I take it back. I mean, I own and wear a Forever Lazy but you're not going to see me buying groceries in it.
8. Scarf Ties
Frank:
I'd only wear this if I was going to a party and I wanted everyone
there to hate me. I bet when police get called to a murder scene and
find out the victim got strangled to death with his own scarf tie, they
get really frustrated, because that makes the murder suspect literally
everyone ever.
Charles:
I feel like there is a lot of violent imagery in your responses to
these clothes, Frank. It's a scarf. I mean, I hate it too, but why are
these clothes eliciting such a visceral response?
Frank: I hate what I don't understand.
9. Co-ords
Frank:
"Hey, you know what? I could wear Minnie Mouse's skirt except fashioned
into 1950s pajamas, and also it has shorts so everyone can see my weird
knees." That's an example of something I would never say.
Charles:
Wrong, Frank. Wrong. I'm not loving the print (polka dots are too girly
for most dudes, I think) and, yeah, that pajama silk is a little silly,
but I like co-ords for guys. It's just a matching shirt and pants (or
shorts). If this were a solid color and a nice, sturdy cotton or denim,
why wouldn't you wear it?
Frank: Because I'm not a Power Ranger, no. I don't have to consistently and uniformly dress in a single color.
Charles:
You know you don't have to trade in all your other clothes to own a
matching top and bottom, right? You can wear other clothes. Oh my god!
Is this how the straight male mind works? You see something and think, Can I wear that every day for the rest of my life? and if the answer is no you won't buy it?
Frank: It's pretty much, Does this go with everything I own?
and if the answer is yes, then it's a purchase. I've pretty much
designed my whole wardrobe in such a way that I could get dressed in
complete darkness and still be OK.
Charles: You sure about that, Frank?
10. Psychedelic Prints
Frank:
If my life literally depended on me wearing some part of this outfit,
I'm not sure what I would choose. The steampunk douchebag goggles are
right out. The bathing suit of the future is pretty terrible too. I'm
pretty sure the graphic on the hoodie is a caterpillar that's really
desperate for attention.
Charles:
In general, I think men look best in simple, graphic prints like
stripes, plaids, etc., but I have no problem with this sweatshirt. It's
really just like a graphic T-shirt, but it's a hoodie and costs a
million dollars. Are you telling me you wouldn't wear a graphic T-shirt?
Frank: My
problem isn't the graphic, my problem is that the graphic is saying,
"Please come talk to me. Look how loud and fun I am." I can get that
same message across by being obnoxious in person. I don't need my
clothes to do it for me.
Charles: Oh, Frank!
11. Mankets
Frank: You can't fool me, "mankets." This is a shawl. Unless I get Freaky Friday'd with present-day Jamie Lee Curtis, there's no way I'm putting this thing on.
Charles:
I think this particular one is more of an afghan than a shawl, but,
yeah, I catch your drift. That said, I think a big blanket scarf could
be kind of cool on the right guy. If he was doing a whole rugged,
Americana thing with, like, boots and selvage denim and a tweed jacket.
Especially if the manket in question was woven. Maybe a plaid. Like he's
some big mountain man who is being utilitarian by using his blanket as a
scarf.
Frank: A real mountain man would wear his beard as a scarf.
12. Shiny Fabrics
Frank:
"Hi, I'm a time traveler from the future. In my time, the sun has died
so we get our light source from our luminescent pants." If you can blind
anyone who points a flashlight at you, you shouldn't wear it. That's
never a rule I thought I would have to have about pants, but there you
go.
Charles:
I feel like I could maybe, possibly get on board if this were a jacket,
but not really even then. I've just never been attracted to a man who
sparkled.
13. Fur
Frank:
It's the King of All Assholes! I don't even know what's happening here.
There are so many patterns, it's like looking at an optical illusion.
Maybe this guy is dressed like this so he can walk up to people and
steal their wallets while their eyes implode. That's why that coat is so
bulky: It's full of wallets. I wouldn't wear this because it looks so
bulky that if I were wearing it, I wouldn't be able to do manly things
like box or chop wood or move my arms.
Charles:
I love fur. But really only for women. Small amounts for men,
sometimes, on a collar or an accessory, but never for a full coat.
Shearling is good for men, but a full fur just feels gangster to me, and
not in a good way. It makes me think of pimps and violence against
women. I don't think I would trust a man in a full fur coat.
14. Luxury Tote Bags
Frank: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS A PURSE. THIS ISN'T EVEN A MAN-PURSE. IT'S A PURSE. NOPE.
Charles:
Calm down, grandpa. It's just a bag. And a pretty simple one at that.
I'm not a big fan of man totes in general, and carrying one like that is
completely affected, but it's not that bad.
Frank: I would wear cargo shorts before I carried this around. Come at me.
Charles: You would wear cargo shorts anyway. Nice shoes, by the way.
Frank: You
will never see me in cargo shorts because I don't fit into any of my
middle school clothes anymore. I carry my wallet, my keys, and my cell
phone. It's not like I need an extra pocket for my Tamagotchi. What I'm
trying to say is, if I could find my Tamagotchi, I'd might consider
using this purse.
15. Short Shorts
Frank:
I'd never wear these, personally, but these are the ultimate "I don't
care" pants. It's just like, "Screw it. It's summer. My legs need to be
out. I'm just going to throw all my stuff in this weird bag and hit the
beach." I get you, Guy Who Decided to Dress Like a Handkerchief.
Charles: Agreed. I don't like this
guy in short shorts, but if you have the legs for it, I say show them
off. I think most guys shy away from shorter shorts because they spend
all their gym time working on their upper bodies and they've got scrawny
little shrimp legs. On the right guy, though, shorter shorts are sexy.
Frank: I'm glad that out of everything here, it was short shorts that united us.
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