How To Dress Like An Italian..........

 

When it comes to clothes, Made in Italy is synonymous with tangible virtues of quality, craftsmanship and design. It’s far harder, however, to put one’s finger on what it is exactly about the way the most stylish of Italian men dress that sets them apart. What are the sartorial quirks that result in Italian men being so heavily represented on street-style blogs? This very question was part of what inspired Mr Scott Schuman to set up The Satorialist in 2005 – he wanted to record the way that men in Italy’s big cities dress in order to decode their tricks and understand how they do it.
                  
A decade later and the world of men’s style has changed immeasurably, with street- style shots of men in Milan and Florence as influential and eagerly anticipated as the latest looks from the runways of Paris and London. With nothing more at their disposal than great clothes, superb taste and enviable self-assurance, men such as Messrs Lino Ieluzzi, Luca Rubinacci and Simone Righi have become menswear superstars. What is it about the way they update classic outfits that works so well? How do they achieve that distinctly Italian look, at once careless and artfully put together?

   

To add a touch of Italian swagger to one’s personal style requires a brief study of both the small things (such as sleeve lengths) and the big things (fabric and colour choices) that the men there do to achieve their winning looks. Because wherever a man lives, there will be something he can learn from the world’s most stylish nation.

 There are many paradoxes in Italian style. One is the idea that putting on a suit is always inspired by the wish to look smart. Try replacing the word “smart” with the word “good”, because formality isn’t the priority here. This is why cotton and linen jackets, which are seldom seen in traditional British tailoring, are such a major part of Italian style (of course the climate plays a part). 

 

In this shot at least three of the men – and possibly all of them – are wearing cotton or linen jackets. None of these guys are wearing clothes that fall into the category of conservative business dress but all of them look cool. Men fixated on looking “sharp” will be appalled by the wrinkles that are an integral part of wearing cotton and linen but those wrinkles help to make an attractively relaxed impression on the people around you.

 Find a tailor who can execute a 

“shivering break”

 

 A man needn’t have a huge wardrobe, he just needs the right clothes. And one of the reasons for this is that it takes time to get clothes just right, as the two gentlemen in this photograph amply demonstrate. It’s highly unlikely that when they first tried on their trousers they were the perfect length. They’ve spent time having them tailored so that they sit at exactly the right height in relation to the shoes – the trousers on the right just kiss the wearer’s chestnut-coloured double monks, while the chalkstripe trousers on the left exhibit the perfect “shivering break” – when the hem meets the shoes’ vamps without rumpling – and well-judged chunky turn-ups. The lesson here is to find a skilled alterations tailor, build a relationship with him or her and assiduously have your clothes altered to fit.

 

You know what they say about a 

big sports watch

The frequently noted fact that the late Mr. Gianni Agnelli, one of the most stylish Italians of the 20th century, wore his watch over his shirt cuff shouldn’t lead lesser mortals to conclude that this is a quirk worth emulating. Much more interesting is the knack Italian men have for sizing their watch bracelets and straps so that they grip the exact spot where the wrist meets the hand. This has the effect of keeping the watch in place, rather than allowing it to spin around the wrist, while fixing it sufficiently far enough down the arm as to be permanently visible (which was presumably the motivation behind Signor Agnelli’s affectation). The ideal timepiece for such horological flourishes is a vintage Rolex sports watch, perhaps a Pepsi Bezel GMT, an early Submariner, an Explorer or – for the very well heeled – an early Daytona.

 

The blazer is your canvas, 

the accessories your brushstrokes

 The Italian stylist Mr. Robert Rabensteiner sets his own dress code, which makes his decision to wear a classic, navy-blue, double-breasted suit rather interesting. However, rather than looking as if he’s wearing a stiff, corporate uniform, Mr Rabensteiner crucially alters the impression he makes with a few key tweaks. The first comes in the form of the soft and perfectly fitting shoulders, the second is the absence of a tie and the third is the way that he’s popped his collar. The jacket’s fit suggests the suit may be bespoke, in which case we applaud Mr Rabensteiner’s decision to go for hip pockets without flaps as these give a sleeker look. The navy jacket is a key element in the Italian wardrobe.

 

Develop your own style signature 

 It’s hard to recommend particular quirks to emulate, because the whole point is that quirks should express individuality (“He’s ‘the crazy sock’ guy in accounting!”). However, in this shot we see a number of popular Italian tricks. The first is the turning back of shirt cuffs over the jacket’s sleeves. Note the way the lengths of the shirt and suit perfectly correspond. The same turn-back reveals at least four bracelets piled up on the wearer’s left wrist. In the background the man in the blue hound’s-tooth jacket has unbuttoned a couple of his cuff buttons (this gesture originated so men could demonstrate that their jackets had working buttons, giving the impression that their clothes were bespoke). Note the juxtaposition of the working buttons and the wallet chain, an accessory we first saw worn with tailored clothing by Milanese style icon Mr Lino Ieluzzi. The challenge here is to find subtle individual idiosyncrasies without straying into the realms of ludicrousness  (we think chain wallets usefully push at the boundaries, while ankle bandannas are a step too far).

 

 Italians are generally too smart for full workwear looks but have a knack of introducing elements of it into an outfit in a way that looks entirely coherent. In this shot Mr Alessandro Squarzi, a fashion consultant, effortlessly combines crisp white chinos, a gingham button-down shirt, a Wabash fabric waistcoat and a vintage US Army overshirt. It’s an outfit further distinguished by the crocodile (or is it alligator?) belt buckle, but the lesson here is how Mr Squarzi uses well-fitting vintage pieces to give his outfit visual depth. The effect is interesting without being attention-seeking and one of the reasons for this is the harmonious combination of the colours – in particular the mix of olive green and white.

 

Because Italian style is so distinctive it’s tempting to assume that Italian men wear loud clothes. In fact the best of them do the exact opposite, as this group of gentlemen proves. Far from employing eye-catching, neo-dandy flourishes such as gaudy bow ties or boldly coloured chinos, they are dressed in subdued shades of sand and stone, with pale-blue shirts and grey ties. Despite the ties and the tailoring, the impression made is a casual one thanks to the bare ankles (a tan helps), the cotton cargo pants and the brown shoes. This might not be the ideal look for a day spent in a lawyer’s office but it would be ideal for a weekend lunch in a decent restaurant.

 

Europeans Dress Better Than Americans

 

I stated on Twitter the other day that North Americans dress badly and it ruffled a few feathers. I don’t even see this as a debatable point. The evidence speaks for itself. Put someone from Europe next to someone from America or Canada and it’s game over. No need for discussion. However, people wanted me to explain my viewpoint, so here goes.
North American ‘style’ is lazy and unoriginal for the most part. (I did mention I was gonna ruffle a few feathers, right?) I lived in Canada and the States for years and not a day went by where I was not completely underwhelmed and unimpressed by the style choices of the majority of people there.

 

When I lived in New York, I found it laughable that it considered itself to be a ‘fashion capital’. Everyone dresses the same. It’s like a uniform. You can even break it down by ethnicity. Most white people wear Gap or Banana Republic and where I lived in Spanish Harlem (a predominantly black and latino neighbourhood), I was pretty much the only one not in Rocawear or Baby Phat. And before you get your knickers in a twist, I do realise that not every white, black or latino person falls into these categories.

 

Every outfit is a variation of jeans and T Shirts. Oh except when they go to work. For work, men will wear what they call, ‘dress pants’ (which I think is a complete oxymoron, but whatever). Show me an American man that doesn’t own at least three pairs of these  and I’ll give you the £5.72 in my bank account. They’ll team that with a ‘button down shirt’ – Americans make the distinction that the shirt has buttons, because they need to know up front that it will require some effort to put it on. Like I said, North American fashion is lazy, so wearing a shirt with buttons is a big deal.
And of course, everything is ill fitting. I think the concept of tailoring has completely escaped North Americans. Mens pants are always too baggy. Naturally, American men refer to European style trousers as ‘gay’ because they are what they consider to be ‘tight’. In actuality, those are how your trousers are meant to fit. Ladies clothing on those shores never seems to hug the form correctly. But, it would require time and effort to change those things and that would infringe on the time they get to spend in their jeans and T Shirts, so why bother?

 

In New York I was complimented on my clothing on virtually a daily basis, probably because I put some effort into my style. But there really is no excuse to dress badly in NYC – there are boutiques selling nice clothes (which, I’d like to point out, they import from Europe), but I guess JC Penney or whatever, is easier for most people. God forbid you make a little effort or stand out from the Gap uniform!

 

In Toronto, I despised shopping. Everything was the same. Even boutique stores that were two doors away from each other were stocking the same dresses (which really just comes down to poor research and business skills on the part of the shop owners).
The whole theme in North America seems to be casual comfort. And, due to the growing obesity problem, there soon won’t be any other choice.

 

But a great deal of this is cultural. Here in England, we are lucky enough to have the rest of Europe as our playground. From a young age, we go on holidays to France, Spain or Italy and get to absorb all the different styles there. Our style is a constant fusion of what we are lucky enough to be surrounded by. Since most Americans don’t have passports, well, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with that one. Few people on the planet dress better than French women or Italian men. There’s experimentation, there’s flair and there’s a genuine desire to always look your best.

 

Don’t get me wrong. Of course there are people on this fair continent who are yet to master the art of style and the constant cheapening of fashion through discount stores is definitely having a negative effect on the way people dress, but that’s a whole other debate.

 

If North Americans are honest with themselves, their favourite designers are most likely, European. From McQueen to Missoni – we produce the best. You’ve either got it or you don’t and when it comes to fashion, we Europeans definitely have the edge.

 

Sam Asghari: Britany Spear's New BF!

It’s a considerable step up from Kevin Federline. It’s also a considerable step up from any other man on the planet.

It looks as though Britney Spears is now officially dating Sam Asghari, that fitness model who’s prominently displayed in her “Slumber Party” video, as well as the video for Fifth Harmony’s work from home.

 

Spears and Asgari posted a joint Christmas message for fans on Snapchat that made everyone faint and cry and swoon. 
Britney has herself a guy who's not just really easy on the eyes ... he's a gentleman too.
Britney and Sam Asghari  did dinner together at Gyu-Kaku Japanese BBQ in L.A. on Saturday, and her laugh and smile say it all -- she's having a good time with this one. 

 

Brit's "Slumber Party" music vid co-star posted a pic of the couple doing sushi last month, but when he quickly deleted the post ... we wondered if it was anything serious. 
Our Spears sources confirm what these photos show -- it is. Serious, that is.

 

Not a ton of guys out there who look like Sam, and also open car doors for a lady.

“Straight” Dude Walks In On Gay Roomie & Realizes He, Too, Is Homosexual

A straight man named “Mike” says he walked in on his gay roommate “Alex” making out with another dude and felt a funny sensation.
“I thought I was going to throw up,” he confesses in a recently-deleted Reddit thread. “I felt bad for being as disgusted as I was, since there’s no good reason for me to have a reaction like that.”
Afterwards, Mike couldn’t get the image of Alex swapping spit with another dude out of his mind. To make matters worse, every time Alex brought a new guy home, Mike would “just start feeling like shit and wishing that the guy would leave.”

“I can’t stop thinking about what these guys might have done to him even though I don’t want to imagine that,” he writes. “It makes me really uncomfortable and grossed out.”
It didn’t take long for Alex to start picking up on things. When he asked Mike why he’s been acting so strange lately, Mike froze.
“I didn’t know what to say,” he says. “I want to keep him as a friend, but he’d be hurt if he knew that whenever I think about him with other guys it disgusts me. How do I deal with this? I’ve never been homophobic, but I’ve suddenly developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my roommate’s sex life makes me uncomfortable.”

 

Well, what a difference 72 hours makes. Because a few days later, Mike updated his original post to make yet another confession:
“The day I made the post, I met up with my sister Laura,” he explains. “She read the whole thing and said it sounds like I have a crush on Alex. She talked me through it and we confirmed I’m not as straight as I thought I was.”

Mike continues: “The next few days were mostly me sitting on my ass trying to wrap my head around everything. I was scared of messing up our friendship and losing him, but I was even more scared that I might just let this pass without saying anything and then he gets a boyfriend and I have to see him with another guy.”
So he sat Alex down and told him everything.
“We talked,” Mike says. “In the end we agreed to maybe try something out, and we kissed. Never kissed anyone with a beard before, so…interesting experience, but also really good.”

 

“Since then we’ve kind of been easing into the whole dating thing,” he continues. “We had our first proper date last weekend and it was incredible … At home we still do our normal thing, but sometimes we get distracted. Last night I almost burned dinner because I had to kiss him and we got kind of carried away, haha. We’re taking the whole sex thing slow though since I’ve never done anything with another guy before.”

 

“Honestly,” he concludes, “I can’t remember the last time I was this happy, and I never would have expected this when I made that first post … Funniest self-realization in the world? Plot twist: It turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.”

 

Curious Straight Guy Absolutely Cannot Stop Fantasizing Another Dude

 

A “straight” guy on Reddit is in a total bind… He can’t stop daydreaming about messing around with another dude.

 

“OK, so I’ll start with saying I’m not gay,” the post begins. “I’m not attracted to men or ever wanted to have sex with another guy.”
                      
 Got it. You’re totally, 100 percent not gay. Now, please continue.
“But,” the man says, “I do find other men’s penises a big turn on.”
Wait, what?
“I’ve often fantasized about comparing my penis to other guys,” he confesses, “and masturbating around another guy or guys but never acted on it.”
For someone who’s “not gay” that sure sounds pretty gay to us, but we digress.

 

“I’d like to know how I could make this a reality, are there any sub-Reddits or sites that cater to this sort of thing?” the man wonders. “I live in Yorkshire in the UK and have been told by females and males a like that I’m a good looking guy (also fairly well hung) if this helps to know.”
“Any of you point me in the right direction?”
                   
The advice quickly comes pouring in:
“If what you say is true just make a profile on Grindr,” one person advises. “State what you are looking for and be specific.”
“Use a torso pic,” someone else adds, “and put ‘straight bicurious’ as a headline or something.”
“A good place to start with this is a video chatting site,” a third person suggests. “There are sites such as pinkroulette, manroulette, etc. that let you jack off with other people online. You don’t need to show your face or anything so it’s pretty safe.”
Followed by some taunts:
“First, try admitting to yourself you’re not actually straight,” one person suggests.
“‘I’m straight, but I find other men’s penises a big turn on,'” someone else teases. “1+1=7?”
                      
And then there’s this:
“By ‘eck lad, stop faffing about, folk round ear be playing pop when ya vague! … Make sure you’re up front with what you want and don’t lead them on. Lads can just be as bad as lasses for getting attached especially if it starts being more than a one time thing!”
 What advice do you have for this guy? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…

 

More & More Straight Guys are giving up "Bro Jobs" and engaging "Dude Sex"!

 

What is dude sex? And how is it different from gay sex? Let’s find out…

Tony Silva is a researcher at University of Oregon who recently did a study on the growing phenomenon and just published a paper called Bud-Sex: Constructing Normative Masculinity among Rural Straight Men That Have Sex With Men about it.

According to Silva, dude sex (or “bud-sex”) is when two guys, usually from a rural area and who identify as straight, hook up together in a discreet, NSA sort of way. They have wives. They have kids. They consider themselves to be heterosexual. But they’re also able to compartmentalize sex in a way that allows them to occasionally bump uglies with other guys without complicating anything.

 

Silver interviewed 19 white, rural, straight-identifying men who say they’ve had dude sex. He found most of them on the pages of Craigslist’s M4M casual encounter ads. All of the guys came from socially conservative and predominant white populations in Missouri, Illinois, Oregon, Washington, or Idaho, and most of them identified as either “exclusively” or “mostly straight,” with a few identifying as “straight but bi, but more straight.”

Silva spoke with them for about an hour and a half each, and what he learned was pretty interesting.
Many of the guys said they engaged in dude sex as a way of “helpin’ a buddy out,” relieving “urges,” or simply experimenting and/or satisfying curiosities without experiencing any sexual attraction for the person with whom they were experimenting.
Silva also found that dude sex guides their “thoughts, tastes, and practices. It provides them with their fundamental sense of self; it structures how they understand the world around them; and it influences how they codify sameness and difference.”
In other words: it helps them scratch a certain curiosity itch while simultaneously reaffirming their heterosexuality because, now that they’ve tried it, they realize that man-on-man sex isn’t for them… Or maybe it is… It’s all about learning and growing as individuals.

One thing Silva noticed was that most of the men were seeking other men like them–straight-identifying, married, etc., etc.
“This is a key element of bud-sex,” he writes in his study. “Partnering with other men similarly privileged on several intersecting axes—gender, race, and sexual identity—allowed the participants to normalize and authenticate their sexual experiences as normatively masculine.”
By hooking up with guys similar to them, Silva noted, many of the men didn’t feel their heterosexual identities were threatened. But having sex with a gay man somehow made them feel more gay. In fact, a handful of subjects said they were turned off by “effeminate faggot type[s]” or “flamin’ queers” who were “too flamboyant.”
“If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home,” one subject said.

“A guy that I would consider more like me, that gets blowjobs from guys every once in a while, doesn’t do it every day,” another subject said. “They’re manly guys, and doing manly stuff, and just happen to have oral sex with men every once in a while. So, that’s why I kinda prefer those types of guys.”
Other reasons the men said they preferred to have dude sex as opposed to gay sex was because it happened quicker and didn’t involved lengthy email exchanges, or they felt there wasn’t the threat of the other man becoming emotionally attached to them.
“I think I identify with them more because that’s kinda, like [how] I feel myself. And bi guys, the same way. We can talk about women, there [have] been times where we’ve watched hetero porn, before we got started or whatever, so I kinda prefer that.”

Other men reported that they enjoyed the friendship part most, and that the sex was just sort of a naturally-occurring afterthought.
“We talk for an hour or so, over coffee,” one guy said. “Then we’ll go get a blowjob and then part our ways.”
“I go on road trips, drink beer, go down to the city [to] look at chicks, go out and eat, shoot pool, I got one friend I hike with,” another guy explained. “It normally leads to sex, but we go out and do activities other than we meet and suck.”
“If my wife’s gone for a weekend,” a third guy said, “I’ll go to his place and spend a night or two with him … We obviously do things other than sex, so, yeah, we go to dinner, go out and go shopping, stuff like that.”
You know? Stuff like that.

 

The Phenomenon of ‘Bud Sex’ Between Straight Rural Men

 

A lot of men have sex with other men but don’t identify as gay or bisexual. A subset of these men who have sex with men, or MSM, live lives that are, in all respects other than their occasional homosexual encounters, quite straight and traditionally masculine — they have wives and families, they embrace various masculine norms, and so on. They are able to, in effect, compartmentalize an aspect of their sex lives in a way that prevents it from blurring into or complicating their more public identities. Sociologists are quite interested in this phenomenon because it can tell us a lot about how humans interpret thorny questions of identity and sexual desire and cultural expectations.

Last year, NYU Press published the fascinating book Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men by the University of California, Riverside, gender and sexuality professor Jane Ward. In it, Ward explored various subcultures in which what could be called “straight homosexual sex” abounds — not just in the ones you’d expect, like the military and fraternities, but also biker gangs and conservative suburban neighborhoods — to better understand how the participants in these encounters experienced and explained their attractions, identities, and rendezvous. But not all straight MSM have gotten the same level of research attention. One relatively neglected such group, argues the University of Oregon sociology doctoral student Tony Silva in a new paper in Gender & Society  is rural, white, straight men (well, neglected if you set aside Brokeback Mountain).

 

Silva sought to find out more about these men, so he recruited 19 from men-for-men casual-encounters boards on Craigslist and interviewed them, for about an hour and a half each, about their sexual habits, lives, and senses of identity. All were from rural areas of Missouri, Illinois, Oregon, Washington, or Idaho, places known for their “social conservatism and predominant white populations.” The sample skewed a bit on the older side, with 14 of the 19 men in their 50s or older, and most identified exclusively as exclusively or mostly straight, with a few responses along the lines of “Straight but bi, but more straight.”

 

Since this is a qualitative rather than a quantitative study, it’s important to recognize that the particular men recruited by Silva weren’t necessarily representative of, well, anything. These were just the guys who agreed to participate in an academic’s research project after they saw an ad for it on Craigslist. But the point of Silva’s project was less to draw any sweeping conclusions about either this subset of straight MSM, or the population as a whole, than to listen to their stories and compare them to the narratives uncovered by Ward and various other researchers.

 

 Specifically, Silva was trying to understand better the interplay between “normative rural masculinity” — the set of mores and norms that defines what it means to be a rural man — and these men’s sexual encounters. In doing so, he introduces a really interesting and catchy concept, “bud-sex”:

 

Ward (2015) examines dudesex, a type of male–male sex that white, masculine, straight men in urban or military contexts frame as a way to bond and build masculinity with other, similar “bros.” Carrillo and Hoffman (2016) refer to their primarily urban participants as heteroflexible, given that they were exclusively or primarily attracted to women. While the participants in this study share overlap with those groups, they also frame their same-sex sex in subtly different ways: not as an opportunity to bond with urban “bros,” and only sometimes—but not always—as a novel sexual pursuit, given that they had sexual attractions all across the spectrum. Instead, as Silva (forthcoming) explores, the participants reinforced their straightness through unconventional interpretations of same-sex sex: as “helpin’ a buddy out,” relieving “urges,” acting on sexual desires for men without sexual attractions to them, relieving general sexual needs, and/or a way to act on sexual attractions. “Bud-sex” captures these interpretations, as well as how the participants had sex and with whom they partnered. The specific type of sex the participants had with other men—bud-sex—cemented their rural masculinity and heterosexuality, and distinguishes them from other MSM.

 

This idea of homosexual sex cementing heterosexuality and traditional, rural masculinity certainly feels counterintuitive, but it clicks a little once you read some of the specific findings from Silva’s interviews. The most important thing to keep in mind here is that rural masculinity is “[c]entral to the men’s self-understanding.” Quoting another researcher, Silva notes that it guides their “thoughts, tastes, and practices. It provides them with their fundamental sense of self; it structures how they understand the world around them; and it influences how they codify sameness and difference.” As with just about all straight MSM, there’s a tension at work: How can these men do what they’re doing without it threatening parts of their identity that feel vital to who they are?

 

In some of the subcultures Ward studied, straight MSM were able to reinterpret homosexual identity as actually strengthening their heterosexual identities. So it was with Silva’s subjects as well — they found ways to cast their homosexual liaisons as reaffirming their rural masculinity. One way they did so was by seeking out partners who were similar to them. “This is a key element of bud-sex,” writes Silva. “Partnering with other men similarly privileged on several intersecting axes—gender, race, and sexual identity—allowed the participants to normalize and authenticate their sexual experiences as normatively masculine.” In other words: If you, a straight guy from the country, once in a while have sex with other straight guys from the country, it doesn’t threaten your straight, rural identity as much as it would if instead you, for example, traveled to the nearest major metro area and tried to pick up dudes at a gay bar. You’re not the sort of man who would go to a gay bar — you’re not gay!

 

It’s difficult here not to slip into the old middle-school joke of “It’s not gay if …” — “It’s not gay” if your eyes are closed, or the lights are off, or you’re best friends — but that’s actually what the men in Silva’s study did, in a sense:

As Cain [one of the interview subjects] said, “I’m really not drawn to what I would consider really effeminate faggot type[s],” but he does “like the masculine looking guy who maybe is more bi.” Similarly, Matt (60) explained, “If they’re too flamboyant they just turn me off,” and Jack noted, “Femininity in a man is a turn off.” Ryan (60) explained, “I’m not comfortable around femme” and “masculinity is what attracts me,” while David shared that “Femme guys don’t do anything for me at all, in fact actually I don’t care for ’em.” Jon shared, “I don’t really like flamin’ queers.” Mike (50) similarly said, “I don’t want the effeminate ones, I want the manly guys … If I wanted someone that acts girlish, I got a wife at home.” Jeff (38) prefers masculinity because “I guess I perceive men who are feminine want to hang out … have companionship, and make it last two or three hours.”

 

In other words: It’s not gay if the guy you’re having sex with doesn’t seem gay at all. Or consider the preferences of Marcus, another one of Silva’s interview subjects:

A guy that I would consider more like me, that gets blowjobs from guys every once in a while, doesn’t do it every day. I know that there are a lot of guys out there that are like me … they’re manly guys, and doing manly stuff, and just happen to have oral sex with men every once in a while [chuckles]. So, that’s why I kinda prefer those types of guys …

 

It [also] seems that … more masculine guys wouldn’t harass me, I guess, hound me all the time, send me 1000 emails, “Hey, you want to get together today … hey, what about now.” And there’s a thought in my head that a more feminine or gay guy would want me to come around more. […] Straight guys, I think I identify with them more because that’s kinda, like [how] I feel myself. And bi guys, the same way. We can talk about women, there [have] been times where we’ve watched hetero porn, before we got started or whatever, so I kinda prefer that. [And] because I’m not attracted, it’s very off-putting when somebody acts gay, and I feel like a lot of gay guys, just kinda put off that gay vibe, I’ll call it, I guess, and that’s very off-putting to me.

 

This, of course, is similar to the way many straight men talk about women — it’s nice to have them around and it’s (of course) great to have sex with them, but they’re so clingy. Overall, it’s just more fun to hang out around masculine guys who share your straight-guy preferences and vocabulary, and who are less emotionally demanding.

One way to interpret this is as defensiveness, of course — these men aren’t actually straight, but identify that way for a number of reasons, including “internalized heterosexism, participation in other-sex marriage and childrearing [which could be complicated if they came out as bi or gay], and enjoyment of straight privilege and culture,” writes Silva. After Jane Ward’s book came out last year, Rich Juzwiak laid out a critique in Gawker that I also saw in many of the responses to my Q&A with her:  While Ward sidestepped the question of her subjects’ “actual” sexual orientations — “I am not concerned with whether the men I describe in this book are ‘really’ straight or gay,” she wrote — it should matter. As Juzwiak put it: “Given the cultural incentives that remain for a straight-seeming gay, given the long-road to self-acceptance that makes many feel incapable or fearful of honestly answering questions about identity—which would undoubtedly alter the often vague data that provide the basis for Ward’s arguments—it seems that one should care about the wide canyon between what men claim they are and what they actually are.” In other words, Ward sidestepped an important political and rights minefield by taking her subjects’ claims about their sexuality more or less at face value.

 

There are certainly some good reasons for sociologists and others to not examine individuals’ claims about their identities too critically. But still: Juzwiak’s critique is important, and it looms large in the background of one particular segment of Silva’s paper. Actually, it turned out, some of Silva’s subjects really weren’t all that opposed to a certain level of deeper engagement with their bud-sex buds, at least when it came to their “regulars,” or the men they hooked up with habitually:

While relationships with regulars were free of romance and deep emotional ties, they were not necessarily devoid of feeling; participants enjoyed regulars for multiple reasons: convenience, comfort, sexual compatibility, or even friendship. Pat described a typical meetup with his regular: “We talk for an hour or so, over coffee … then we’ll go get a blowjob and then, part our ways.” Similarly, Richard noted, “Sex is a very small part of our relationship. It’s more friends, we discuss politics … all sorts of shit.” Likewise, with several of his regulars Billy noted, “I go on road trips, drink beer, go down to the city [to] look at chicks, go out and eat, shoot pool, I got one friend I hike with. It normally leads to sex, but we go out and do activities other than we meet and suck.”

 

While Kevin noted that his regular relationship “has no emotional connection at all,” it also has a friendship-like quality, as evidenced by occasional visits and sleepovers despite almost 100 miles of distance. Similarly, David noted, “If my wife’s gone for a weekend … I’ll go to his place and spend a night or two with him … we obviously do things other than sex, so yeah we go to dinner, go out and go shopping, stuff like that.” Jack explained that with his regular “we connected on Craigslist … [and] became good friends, in addition to havin’ sex … we just made a connection … But there was no love at all.” Thus, bud-sex is predicated on rejecting romantic attachment and deep emotional ties, but not all emotion.

 

Whatever else is going on here, clearly these men are getting some companionship out of these relationships. It isn’t just about sex if you make a point of getting coffee, and especially if you spend nights together, go shopping or out to dinner, and so on. But there are sturdy incentives in place for them to not take that step of identifying, or identifying fully, as gay or bi. Instead, they frame their bud-sex, even when it’s accompanied by other forms of intimacy, in a way that reinforces their rural, straight masculinity.

It’s important to note that this isn’t some rational decision where the men sit down, list the pros and cons, and say, “Well, I guess coming out just won’t maximize my happiness and well-being.” It’s more subtle than that, given the osmosis-like way we all absorb social norms and mores. In all likelihood, when Silva’s subjects say they’re straight, they mean it: That’s how they feel. But it’s hard not to get the sense that maybe some of them would be happier, or would have made different life decisions, if they had had access to a different, less constricted vocabulary to describe what they want — and who they are.